According to Facebook, this song, and these lyrics in particular, were at the forefront of my mind a year ago today. Dave Hause’s “Resolutions” is about vowing to change a bleak existence and looking for that glimmer of light, of hope, at the end of the tunnel. The song ends with these words repeated over and over, as if the singer is trying to convince himself that things really can get better. And since I spent a lot of time at the end of last year trying to convince myself of the same thing, these lines became something of a mantra, words of promise and optimism that I desperately needed to hear.
(I was at this show. Hi from the front row again.)
You see, a little over a year ago, the safe, comfortable world I’d built around myself started to crumble. I was unhappy, restless, and bitterly angry, and it was manifesting itself in my 9-5 job. Rather than try to get to the root cause of my unhappiness, though, my employer took the path of least resistance and transferred me, a good worker who was becoming a problem child, to a different location. I don’t feel like rehashing the details, so go here if you’re unfamiliar with the story and want to know what happened, but suffice it to say the first forty-eight hours after I got the news were among the worst of my life. (Facebook was also kind enough to remind me that I drank an entire bottle of wine the night I found out, and it had the outcome you’d expect. Not one of my best moments.) But with a lot of help from my husband and quite a bit of luck thrown in, I managed to turn a lousy, hopeless situation into something mot just better or more tolerable, but downright advantageous. I told myself that a new chapter was starting, that 2017 was going to be the year I fulfilled my destiny (because that’s not wonderfully grandiose or anything).
And…it kind of has.
It’s been tough. I’ve worked harder and slept less and worried more than I have at any point in my life. But, and I still can’t quite believe it, all that effort and stress is starting to pay off. I’ve written more articles and reviews (in addition to that first batch) that have been published, all of which featured some of my favorite musicians…Arkells, Atlas Genius, the Lone Bellow, Noel Gallagher, Elbow, Gary Numan. I’ve worked with some seriously talented artists who have become friends, and have seen my friends become seriously talented artists. I’ve done, and continue to do, things that have scared the shit out of me. But I’ve learned and grown from every single encounter and conversation. And finally – FINALLY – doors are starting to open. Not necessarily because they’re being held for me – rather, because I’ve decided to just kick them in. It took exactly one year for my dreams to go from ephemeral, half-formed things to something definite, something that actually has a chance of becoming reality. And it’s time. I’m ready. With the news I got yesterday, news that I promise I’ll share with you soon, 2017 couldn’t end on a better, more optimistic note. I cannot wait to see what 2018 has in store.
Redefinable 