If not now, when?

cropped-corn1.jpgCall it a mid-life crisis (I guess I’m old enough now to have one of those), but I’ve been thinking a lot lately about legacies. Mine specifically, and whether or not I even have one. Being a mother is definitely not in the cards for me, so physical progeny is out. I enjoy what I do for a living, but I’m under no delusions about my value there – I may be good at my job, but ultimately I’m a cog in a wheel, easily replaced, regardless of the years I have under my belt and the expertise I’ve acquired. That, and as much as I like to think I’ve helped people, how many of those interactions have been truly impactful to the people on the receiving end? How many kids really remember coming in to their local library to get help with a research paper or sitting through storytime every week? Not many, I’m willing to bet, and I can’t let myself dwell on it too long because it depresses me.

And then there’s the ridiculous amount of deaths this year, of artists and people I admire, starting with my great-grandmother, a real firebrand of a woman who lived to the incredible age of 98 and did so much (more than I probably even realize) in that time. But she was the exception – it seems like everyone else who’s had their ticket punched this year hadn’t even hit 70. As someone who’s rapidly approaching 35, this (understandably, I hope) drove me into a bit of a panic. You can do the math: if I were to kick the bucket at 70, that would mean that now – RIGHT NOW – I would be at the midway point of my life. And this knowledge scared (scares) the shit out of me. Because that leads me back to my original question – what have I done with my life?

The answer is not enough. I had and still have dreams that are unfulfilled, dreams that I put on hold and let fall by the wayside when I became an “adult” and joined the 9-5 working world. But I’m not willing to let that be the end of me. I’m tired of what-ifs and could-have-beens. It’s going to be a lot of work (because, unfortunately, dreams don’t pay the bills. At least not yet), but I want to try. I NEED to try.

And that’s where this space comes in. A place for me to explore the things I love – books, music, travel, aesthetics, and (perhaps most important but oft-forgotten) writing. The possibilities are endless and I don’t know about you, but I’m excited.

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One thought on “If not now, when?

  1. You will never stop asking what you have done with your life…..even at my age, I still ask that sometimes. It is enough that I have the love of my life by my side…..good or bad because that is just how life is….it is enough that I gave birth to the 2 most beautiful girls in the world…good or bad that is just how life is….it is enough that I had my Mom in my life for so long…..good or bad that is life and death ….do I have regrets? Not too many….I have the wealth of the world in my family. Friends come and go, careers change, time flies by….yup….no regrets!
    You will get there….where ever you want to be…..Love you honey, Mom

    Liked by 1 person

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